Confident Indifference
Despite no outwardly large life changes to warrant this, I find myself constantly reflecting on months prior, and just how much can come about within that time; even the smallest of things.
We’ve entered the year 2025.
A year is a year, but it’s what you do with the days given that resonates.
I sometimes like to read old journal entries of mine for sport. It’s like opening a book I haven’t touched in a while, but kind of have a brief overview of.
The first entry of my current journal dates back to June 2024, and touches on a phrase I blabbed out that has stuck with me since.
With the new year here, I thought it’d be nice to share a mini time capsule of my mind as possible motivation for you and yours. I believe time is fluid, and calendar dates are aids to existence, but there’s something special to me about pin-pointing a fleeting moment within all the fluidity.
At the time of this entry, I was a little over a year into starting to truly settle into my life in Colorado (East Coast born & raised!), leaving my full-time agency job to freelance and focus on my personal works full-time, and establishing a framework for the work I wanted to be doing and connections I wanted to be making.
Being more intentional with my time, personally and professionally (though it all meshes together anyways…), was my 2024 resolution.
12:03pm — 2 June 2024
I think the “hardest” part of what I do is the gap between what I do and what I’d rather be doing.
I guess that’s the same for everyone, probably.
Coming back to my writing practice has been pivotal for me—it really encourages further thought, question, and concretes that I kinda lost touch with when the pandemic started really doing its thing.
I feel like I’ve been riding this wave of confident indifference when it comes to the things I’d rather be doing than what I do, do. Though, the only way to get to the rather, is to do.
Confident indifference.
I kinda like that. Kinda somber but, I like that.
I think the most special thing I bring to the table is my thought, care, and sensibilities. I understand I must continue to work towards and for these things, even if it, at times, is plagued by the “not enough” thinking that creeps in when I actually feel the most confident.
We all have something to bring to the table if we wish to do so. The path I’ve taken is not easy for many, hence why most pivot—which is okay. But I love it, I love it so much. I’ve loved it since the first time I gained learning of it.
It’s special, it’s me.
At 25, letting what wants to come, come, and what wants to go, go, has been a continued learning. I think it always will be, honestly.
Nothing wrong with that I guess.
If I’ve learned anything from absorbing and doing, it’s that these things take time and care. It’s easy to feel “not enough” when one isn’t getting what they want. I do think there are those who are deserving, but I just don’t think the world works like that—as we can see on many fronts.
I’ve got to stay present, I’ve got to stay me, and I’ve got to be patient. That’s all we can ever do.
I think the crazier part of my thinking is that I already have so many things to pat myself on the back about and be proud of—and while I am—I know I have more in me, way more.
It. takes. time.
Even with wanting more, I’m happy with how I carry and try. I’ll continue to do so—maybe putting myself out on a limb more. Why not? No reason to cower… think I need to just allow myself to step back into the unknown and be vulnerable by putting myself in places no one is asking for.
It’s been a while, and I’ve gotten comfortable. I’ve pushed, but have gotten comfortable.
I’m me and that’s all I can be. Why not?
We’re so small—small.
Try.
Despite continued love and support, I grew up thinking my sensitivity to life was a weakness, but as I’ve gotten older, it’s proven time and time again to be one of the greatest things I can offer to myself, my circle, and passersby.
I feel whole this new year because of the groundwork I did last year, and all that’s come to fruition since. It’s weird. Not that I haven’t always felt a sense of contentment with my life and choices, but I think it’s different to act than to linger, and I think I was lingering for a while in regards to things that make me, me.
It’s refreshing to invest where you know you need it most. We’ll always be works in progress, making my resolution for this year a continuation of last, but I like reflecting on the ever-changing frameworks of our being, how we choose to act, and when.
✁ something else ✁
I googled ‘confident indifference’ and enjoyed the scroll lol. I’d implore you to explore for yourself… I love seeing where my thought bubbles lead 😂
My boyfriend’s grandmother had this book on her shelf. I adore the cover slip over the black soft leather. Don’t know if it’s the colors, imagery, type, or I suppose composition of it all. Simple but intriguing. Juicy!
I’d love to hear about any of your journey’s last year, tentative or concrete goals for this year, or generally how you’re feeling and doing as of late—say hi emilypaigekelly@gmail.com ⛅︎
Thank you for reading.