Sometimes I think I was meant to be alone, in my own bubble. Unheard—at least not immediately.
I, at times, feel walls when I write now… when I think.
Writing isn’t as freeing when I know there’s immediately going to be someone else on the other side, though, anyone could be on the other side at any time. I've always written knowing someone will probably read my words at some point, but this is different. I think it’s the fact that while I’m comfortable putting my thoughts out there to begin with, the “scheduled” content format is making how I translate my thoughts feel off. Then again, it could also just be because of where I am in my life right now, and that this just isn’t the right outlet for the time being, but shrug. There was an adjustment period I could feel myself navigating with this format, one could argue that I’m still in the adjustment period, but I also think one knows when they know something isn’t working for them—and this just doesn’t really feel like me. When thoughts don’t come to me as fluidly or as open as I’d like them to, I get walled up, and put on this “voice,” a voice not entirely genuine to mine even though it’s a voice I’ve used from time to time.
Writing as I do is something I hold dear to myself, and while I can share my thoughts in a more blog-like cadence here, it just doesn’t feel right for who I am in 2022 (almost ‘23!). I think I’m meant to put my time into something longer term that encompasses this sentiment, I know I can make an impact with the little things I share on the internet, it’s a huge place, but I tend to think something with wear and tear and life to bear is what people remember—it’s what will resonate.
I feel weird admitting this when I just started trying this format over my podcast version that really… REALLY couldn't have been planned as much as I tried. By the time I finished thinking, writing, recording, editing and posting, I wouldn’t really care about an episode and felt a bit cloudy on what was next. I can (usually) talk all day long, but the type of talking I do that sits, that resonates, is the type that comes about in a zip—and most times, I don’t want to broadcast it (at least not immediately). There can’t be planned posts or assured thought patterns because that’s not who I’ve grown into, and it’s not what I do best. My best me is ‘on the spur me’ or ‘take some time me’ and for some reason, I kind of feel like that’s how it’s supposed to be.
I never need to address anything, I know people do and could listen but, I kind of like not being heard right away nowadays. I want people to know my thoughts and see/feel my perspective, but mostly in retrospect and only sometimes in real time. My thoughts and ideas express themselves so differently, and I think I’m coming to learn where my strong suits lie to further expand upon them in ways beneficial for me in the short term, and perhaps beneficial for others in the long term.
You don’t have to understand this, only I have to understand this, but know I will share my thoughts on here as they come about and feel authentically me, and not just me saying something to say something because I put myself up to a content schedule that I, not the world, made.
That all being said, I think you should do the thing you want to do, that thing you’ve been putting off for whatever reason—I think you should do it; see what happens. Maybe I’ve just gotten good at accepting when a method doesn’t feel right for me, hence my ability to accept and move forward, but know that I wouldn’t have known unless I tried, and that’s a journey in and of itself.
Brb!