Mold
I don’t do the mold because I am despite the mold.
…
I let someone make me feel less than the other day.
It sucked, honestly.
The lack of effort it took on their end for me to sit and question everything in a fit of concealed annoyance. There I was, thinking the meeting I was about to have was between counterparts, turning into a duel of psychological dominance.
It was weird. I felt weird.
I didn’t really understand what was going on until it was clear the gut feeling wasn’t just my gut, but a reading on the lack of enriching conversation from someone who I was under the impression was capable of.
I don’t like to throw stereotypes into things unless blatant. I sometimes feel it’s a “cop-out” when there’s a greater issue at hand than something we want to just place blame towards—but yeah, I dunno, I was made to feel small for what felt like the pure existence of me and my expertise.
I, I, I.
You.
It’s easy to take things personally when working for oneself. There’s not many other people in the exact same position as you, experiencing what you do. Though, I have to note when something feels more sure than speculative; as time has gone by and I’ve chatted with a plethora of small and large potential clients and collaborators, I’ve gotten pretty good at sniffing out when something doesn’t sit right.
I love it, I love running my own creative; picking who I’d like to collaborate with and why, but it’s hard at times. When you’re working towards things you want, it doesn’t just happen, even though it can look like it from the outside.
In the last year, I’ve developed a sort of belief system about the whole thing if you will. I’ve coined this belief system as my own kind of blind optimism. Blind optimism, for me, is following signs and symbols, letting what wants to go—go, what wants to stay—stay, and what wants to grow—grow.
I’ve found a lot of understanding in this way of thinking, and in the power of doing the work and letting things come to be in their own way and on their own time.
Being cold reached out to by a potential client to work with their design studio and meet for future projects, to somehow getting subtly picked apart by said studio arbitrarily wanting to see specific project types (more aligned with their current work) was just odd.
You contacted me. You’ve seen the work I currently “brand” myself as doing and do best. You originally wanted me to hop on a project within a days notice, why are we suddenly searching for work I can clearly do based on my skillset, but don’t explicitly show based on my selected areas of expertise?
It was the tone that was disheartening.
It didn’t feel like a matter of taste, but rather a matter of annoyance I was working with different clientele who trust my creative vision to transform and push bounds a bit, than their current more corporate forward clients who typically, as I also know, can be tougher to push when there are highly specific strategic and metric matters to be accounted for to “prove” the validity of a design system. There’s a different level of trust, and usually more tape to get through—I get it. But erm *cough* not my fault you chose to accept work in this direction?
By the end of this unfortunately vapid exchange I was initially quite excited to participate in, my mind went blank. After a few moments of blank, I thought, “maybe they’re right, does any of my work matter if it doesn’t specifically showcase the mold most are looking for?”
I felt stupid to think it, but I did. I sat back and scanned through works I’ve gotten hired to do, praised for creating, and wondered if any of it was actually doing anything.
It felt silly.
I felt silly—diminished, really.
It feels weird admitting the internal thoughts, but I think it’s important to share these moments. Despite being strong, loving what I do, believing in what I do, and the possibilities of it all—I’m constantly figuring it out just as much as the next guy.
Now, I could be wrong! I could have read the interaction wrong. But there was too much irony in the fact that I read an interview with the studio head prior to meeting, about them discussing the importance of much of the work I already do and its influence, then being faced with animosity since they don’t.
I feel a lot of solace in the fact that I can only control who I am, what I do, and how I do it. I know I am kind, intelligent, and understanding. Letting things come and go as they wish is so easy to do with this foundation.
I’m not sharing this to complain, or to come across as sour for calling another out—I’m sharing this as someone who is genuinely tired of the adult arrogance for one “getting” something the other may want. I know this will always be a thing, and despite my many sour interactions with a variety of stereotypes in this field (this is just my experience! unfortunately!), I will continue to advocate for a world where there’s more support and learnings than shady green clouds.
It’s so important to try, and to know your worth, too!
✁ something else ✁
I came across this, I believe, menu from 1951 I got a few months ago while organizing some of my goodies and fell in love all over again. You gotta love the intersection of illustration with a good layout, nice type, and classy yet fun color selection.
I remember when I found this song sometime near the end of high school in 2016. It carried me through much of my college freshman and sophomore year walks around NYC, typically in the early morning or past dusk. Something about it has always been so somberly touching even in the brightest of times.
Thank you for reading.